220 | What Caregivers Need to Know: Mindfulness, Resilience, and Trauma Communication Tips

What if the words you choose could either empower—or unintentionally hurt—the person you’re caring for?

In this essential episode, Michael shares powerful, real-world advice for caregivers navigating the emotional highs and lows of trauma recovery. Learn how mindfulness, compassion, and careful language can strengthen resilience for both you and the survivor you support—without losing yourself in the process.

Takeaways:

• Discover what not to say—and what to say instead—to foster true resilience through trauma recovery
• Learn mindful caregiving practices that validate both your survivor’s emotions and your own boundaries
• Build deeper, stronger connections through mindful presence, even in the most difficult healing seasons

When ready, take a deep breath in and slow breath out and become a more mindful, resilient caregiver—and to support trauma healing with clarity, compassion, and strength.

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With Whole Again: A Fresh Approach to Healing, Growth & Resilience after Physical Trauma through Kintsugi Mindfulness listeners explore resilience through personal stories of trauma, scars, and injury while learning to overcome PTSD, imposter syndrome, self-doubt, and perfectionism with self-compassion, self-love, and self-worth. Through insightful discussions on stress management, mindfulness practices, and digital wellness, the show offers practical tools like breathwork, micro-dose meditation, grounding techniques, visualization, and daily affirmations for anxiety relief and stress relief. Inspired by the art of kintsugi, the podcast embraces healing as a process of transformation, encouraging a shift in perspective from worry and being overwhelmed to gratitude and personal growth. By exploring the mind-body connection, micro-dosing strategies for emotional well-being, and holistic approaches to self-care, this podcast empowers listeners to cultivate emotional resilience and live with greater balance and intention.

Transcript:

 In this episode, you’ll discover what to say and what not to say as a caregiver to someone who’s going through recovery.

Hey there, it’s Michael. Welcome to Whole again. A show about helping survivors of physical injury and trauma reclaim their strength and resilience through the wisdom of kazuki. Today we’re gonna shift our attention. To a key member of our recovery Peloton, as I like to say, our caregiver. In this episode, you’ll discover what to say and what not to say to that type A personality that’s going through recovery.

The person who might be stuck and what to do if you’re not sure, but first. I wanna say thank you for being here and thank you for being a fellow survivor. And if you’re a caregiver, a special welcome, we cannot do this thing called growth and recovery and stepping into who we’re becoming without you. So thanks for being here and supporting us in the way that you do.

Alright, well if you’re take a healthy. A slow releasing breath out and let’s celebrate our caregivers. Now, if I’ve said this once, I’ve probably said it 1,001 times I did not recover from my last bad day alone. It took a whole peloton of caregivers. Our caregivers are our quiet warriors. They’re family members and friends who show up.

Day after day after day to support someone they love who is going through a recovery from an injury or an illness or even physical trauma. So to all the caregivers out there, a huge thank you for being you, for showing up the way you do, and we completely recognize that supporting people, caring for people is not an easy job.

There’s a heavy burden to lift when you do. I know some of you are caring for someone who’s always been independent. The Type A personality, they can do all of it on their own, and now they feel a bit helpless. I also know that some of you may be caring for someone who has shut down completely. They’ve become stuck.

They might be in victim mode. Or they’ve just stopped trying. And of course, between these two types of personalities as it relates to their recovery, there’s also a whole bunch of other people that show a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And it can be confusing or frustrating. You might not know how to show up and provide the care that you really wish to provide.

So if you’re wondering how to care for the person you’re caring for without losing yourself along the way, we’re gonna talk about what to say and maybe what not to say to these different personalities so you can meet them where they’re at without any judgment. So let’s begin in grounding ourselves in reality, because I like to say reality wins a hundred percent of its arguments.

Recovery doesn’t look the same to everyone. Some survivors double down on productivity and perfection. Others get caught in a spiral of overwhelm of helplessness or even emotional shutdown. And both of these reactions. Our coping mechanisms because the body is under stress, so we tend to exhibit certain behaviors.

The driven survivor, you know, the one, the type A personality, I can relate to this one. Back in my day, we often grapple with not feeling in control anymore. Now to be honest, we were never in control, but we felt we were. So this lack of control can be very unsettling and we can fear like the loss of independence and we can have a lot of frustration that our body is no longer working the way that we want it to, or it certainly doesn’t keep up with the mind.

’cause in the mind we wanna be a certain way, but the body is healing at its own pace and we as type A driven. Survivors may push ourselves too far, might try to do too much. We might pretend that we’re fine and we don’t need any help. And on the other side of the coin, it’s very possible to be caring for someone who seems stuck.

Or maybe dealing with their injury or illness or trauma in a very passive way. They might be dealing with shame or burnout or depression or trauma that just hasn’t been processed, is still with them. And what looks like laziness is often a deep fear that’s being massed by apathy. And here’s the real challenge.

The same person can show up in these two different ways. I know this because I showed up this way. In both cases, depending on the circumstances, and depending on the stage I was in in my recovery. Understanding this as a caregiver matters. It’s not easy. You know, you have a very difficult job and sometimes you can feel helpless or resentful when you don’t know how to help.

The key is choosing what to say because words create worlds. Words connect. So this isn’t about trying to find the perfect thing to say. It’s about staying curious, compassionate, and clear about your role and how you can offer support. So let’s start by focusing in on what we shouldn’t say, and then we’ll round out by looking at what we could say to offer the best support to the person you happen to be caring for.

So let’s take the type A personality first. Here are a few things of what not to say. Here’s a common expression, you just need to rest. They’ve never known what rest looks like. So instead, you can try. I know slowing down is hard. What would make that a bit easier for you today? Here’s another thing that you probably shouldn’t say.

You can’t do it all right. Now. I know this is probably truthful and you really wanna say it, but it doesn’t land in the way you want it to land. So instead you can say You’ve always been the strong one. Let’s find a new kind of strength together. And here’s a third thing of what not to say. You have to let people help you, right?

This comes from a moment of frustration because they think they can do it all by themselves, but you can say this instead. What’s one part of you that feels okay? Handing something off? Just let me know and I’ll follow your lead. Of course, with all of this, you need to find your words and your style.

Trying to sound like how I might say it is gonna be really awkward, so find your way. But I’m hoping these can give you some examples of what you may wish to avoid and how you might say it differently. Now let’s focus in on the survivor who might feel a bit stuck. And we’ll start here. You may not wish to say you just need to try harder.

I know you wanna say it, but you can say this instead. Let’s take one small step today. What can that be for you? And I’ll be right beside you as you do. Another thing that you may wish to say, but it may not be beneficial to say it is this, stop feeling so damn sorry for yourself. This may seem like the right thing to say to offer your survivor perspective, but it doesn’t land that way.

Instead, you can say, I know things are really heavy for you right now. What does support look like for you? Here’s something I would highly recommend. Not saying, you know, other people have it worse. Instead, you can say this, your pain is real. It validates their feelings, and you don’t have to carry all of this alone.

Now, we also have the person that may vacillate between type A and feeling stuck. So let’s focus now on this type of survivor, and I’ll say that caring for this type of survivor can be the most challenging because they’re inconsistent. You just want them to be a certain way. It makes it easier to provide care, but they are fluctuating in and out of different states.

That’s a natural part of healing. One day they’re pushing too much. The other day, they feel defeated. So instead of saying, man, you’re being really dramatic right now, you can say this, I see today is tough. What would support look like for you today? Another thing that you probably should not say, why can’t you just pick a lane?

Why can’t you be consistent? Instead, you can say it’s okay to feel different day by day. Healing is not linear. It’s all over the place. I can meet you where you’re at, and since I’m the type of person that would prefer to share what to say as opposed to what not to say. I wanna give you one more what to say for each type of survivor.

I have more examples. Just reach out and I’ll share a list with you. So here’s another thing to say to that Type A survivor. I know you’re used to being the one that keeps it all together, but you don’t have to carry this one alone. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a statement that you’re not done yet and you wish to keep going.

For the stuck survivor, the person who is struggling, here’s what you can say, you’re not a burden. ’cause often they say, I’m such a burden, I don’t wanna burden you. I don’t wanna ask for help. You’re not a burden. You’re going through a hard season. And that’s okay. That’s allowed. And finally, for the person that seems to be shifting in their survivor mode.

I’m here for the you. That shows up today. There’s no pressure to be anything else. These expressions allow you to communicate with compassion, with curiosity. They let your survivor know that they’re heard. They’re seen and they’re loved, and whatever they happen to be feeling, you’re validating it because they’re going through obviously a hard time, but so are you.

Being a caregiver isn’t easy, so make sure as you provide care not to lose yourself along the way, it’s okay to set up some boundaries and create some space so you can care for yourself and in a future episode of Whole. Again, I’ll share ways that you can do that and also know this, whether you’re supporting a fighter.

Or someone who happens to be stuck or someone who shifts around what you’re doing is so valuable. It’s essential. It’s sacred work. Thank you for being a caregiver. But remember this, you are not responsible for your loved one’s. Healing are responsible for how you show up, how you show up in service. With presence, as I mentioned just a minute ago, with some boundaries and with compassion that doesn’t need to fix things to be powerful.

Thank you again for showing up. Thank you for being a caregiver, and thank you to all my fellow survivors

in this episode. We talked about the non-linear part of healing and how we all approach our healing journeys with different personalities. And as a caregiver, you discovered what to say and maybe what not to say to the person you’re caring for so you can build a stronger connection so you can get through this together.

A beautiful ripple into the world. Again, thanks for being here. Thank you for all the work that you do.

And if you wish to learn more about creating beautiful ripples and how to prevent a bad moment from turning into a bad day, please visit my website, Michael O’Brien schiff.com and sign up for my newsletter called The Ripple Effect. And join us each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday here at Whole Again, and discover how you can heal, grow, and become more resilient and celebrate our scars as golden symbols of strength and resilience.

Until then, remember, you can always come back to your breath. You’ve got this and we’ve got you.