Reflections on Father’s Day / Once a Man; Twice a Boy

Growing up, we didn’t have much stuff. My Dad and my Mom earned a modest living. We shopped at outlet malls. We didn’t eat out that often. I wore Ponys, not Nikes, and we stayed at motels, not hotels, but sometimes we did stay at a Holiday Inn. (By the way, can you name the song this is from?)

My Dad was never the type to sit me down and share life lessons, but I grew up in a time when folks worked 9 to 5 instead of 5 to 9, and he taught me by how he showed up.

He was there at every game, race, and competition.

He was there for every family dinner.

He was there every Sunday morning for Mass.

In service, with humor and humility.

There was no phone to check. He didn’t have to log in at night to check his email, so when he was there, he was fully there.

When I became a teenager, things changed as they do for most of us. I didn’t think my parents understood me; I didn’t think he was listening. I just wanted to get away, and when I look back, I wasted so much energy wishing he were different instead of loving who he was.

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He’s outlived his wife.

He’s outlived his sisters.

He’s outlived most of his close friends.

Soon, he’ll turn 89.

As soon as I got home from my epic race in Kansas, I went back home to help him, along with my sister, through an outpatient surgery. Upon discharge, my gut told me he wasn’t ready to go home, but I didn’t listen. 

That night, I stayed with him and sent a text to my wife: “Anticipating a tough night. I just hope he doesn’t fall.” I told him as I tucked him in to ask for help if he needed to get up during the night.

He didn’t listen and fell.

We rushed him to the Emergency Room, and one of the nurses saw that I was beating myself up. I was scared, frustrated, and mad.

She told him that in Jamaica, they have a saying: “Once a Man, Twice a Boy.” During a moment when they took him away for a battery of tests, I wrote this haiku:

Time walks in a loop

Once a man, twice a child,

Life wears many shoes.

When my mom’s health started to decline (she passed away in June 2021), my Dad and I became closer. Now, the man I just wanted to impress when I was a kid had become the boy. We now wear different shoes.

Thankfully, my sister and I have set aside our rock-filled backpacks and rallied to be his advocate. It’s one of the bright spots of this moment.

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During the evenings, when she’s caring for Dad, I go to the Erie Canal, one of my happy places, to pause, breathe, reflect, and grab some dinner. It’s only a few miles from the hospital, but the buzz of the nearby restaurants offers a stark contrast to the suffering inside those walls.

I’ve reflected on when our society thought smoking and red meat were healthy and a few drinks were no big deal. Contrary to MAHA, we were not healthy. Heck, back then, we thought plastic would save us.

I’ve also wondered what our 2025 equivalents would be.

Perhaps it’s our smartphones (the new cigarette), working nonstop, or the maladaptive ways we deal with stress. At least today, we know plastic isn’t safe, but we continue to produce more of it anyway. 

When we ask my Dad what he wants, he tells us he wants to stay independent. We all do, right?

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Over the years, I’ve come to realize these truths:

• Nobody wants to live in a nursing home.
• Nobody wants to spend more time on their phone.
• Nobody looks good in a ’70s-style mustache. 

But in a country where we are great at avoidance and “kicking the can down the road,” we are not taking the necessary steps in our 30s, 40s, and 50s to enhance our physical, mental, social, and, yes, digital health, so that we can stay independent and healthy in our 70s, 80s, and 90s.

And we can’t wait until “retirement” to take action. 

I know a lot is going on in the world right now, and I don’t want to add another thing to your plate, but this is something we need to talk about, and our political leaders are not addressing it. Additionally, within the healthspan and longevity forums I attend, this topic is not discussed.

Here’s some sobering data:

• 38% of Americans say they skip medical care due to cost.
• Nearly 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. lives with a mental illness.
• 10% of Americans have medical debt, and this disproportionately affects women and BIPOC individuals
• In less than 10 years, there will be more people over 65 than under 18 for the first time in U.S. history. Many are living longer but will enter their 80s and 90s with chronic conditions.
• There are proposals to cut Medicaid.
• Undocumented immigrants, who are the invisible yet essential workers of the healthcare system, as well as agriculture, restaurants, and service industries, are being rounded up as criminals while the business leaders who hire them stay silent.
• Assisted living and other senior residential options typically cost between $5,000 and $10,000 per month.
• Aging at home isn’t viable for most because most homes aren’t built for elderly living.
• Sixty percent of U.S. households are dual-income, just to make ends meet; there is little left for savings.
• Meanwhile, back at the yacht, the wealthiest people receive tax cuts.

The situation with my Dad comes at a professional cost to my sister and me. (If you responded to my Wednesday email, thank you.) Being with him aligns with our values, and we will find a way through, but I worry for the families who won’t survive their medical and financial challenges. 

I see their worry as I walk the halls of the hospital, which is the leading medical center in the city and, by the way, has a cafeteria that serves food more unhealthy than a New York State Thruway rest stop. Don’t even get me started on this one.

We have a perfect storm rushing toward us:

• The U.S. population is getting older.
• The healthcare system is under-resourced and ill-equipped to treat our seniors.
• Most families haven’t planned for elder living and care decisions or expenses.
• We spend an exorbitant amount of money at the end of life because we’re so afraid of talking about dying, something that, since I last checked, we all do.

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Life today can feel overwhelming even for the most emotionally resilient. It’s no wonder we’re not handling the stress of the moment well. It makes me even more grateful for our pause, breathe, reflect​ practice. It’s helping me through this moment and many others as they face their challenges and navigate today’s uncertainty, but there are more steps we should take. 

My unsolicited advice is this:

• Talk to your parents about their wishes for their elder years.
• Know that if it’s not in writing, it doesn’t count.
• If needed, hire an expert to assist you and your family.
• Take small steps daily to enhance your physical, mental, social, and digital health today so you can avoid the need to take harder and bigger leaps when you get older.
• Don’t chase hacks or shortcuts. Instead, focus on the cornerstones of a strong, well-being foundation: Sleep, Movement, Nutrition, and Mindfulness/Cognitive Health.
• If you would like to learn more about our specific steps, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

As I write this, my Dad is getting stronger, but he’s celebrating Father’s Day in the hospital, which is something nobody wanted. I hope next week we can find him a rehab facility so he can continue to improve and get back home, although we, as a family, have a complex road ahead.

I ranted a bit today because I feel we need to wake up before it’s too late. We need to put our phones down, stop watching reality TV that isn’t reality, and stop over-indexing our attention on people who divide us. We need to reclaim our power, start fully living, and prepare for the future.

Yes, it’s hard. And I know we can do hard things.

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My Dad taught me about the importance of hard work, service, play, integrity, and, although I’m a lapsed Catholic, the teachings of Jesus and the compassion he had for all people, especially the most vulnerable.

So one of the best ways I know how to honor my Dad this Father’s Day is to continue to show up with:

Integrity

Accountability

Hustle

Kindness, love, and compassion

Thoughtfulness

Imagination

Joy and humor

And try to be a better human one day at a time, and understand that one day, I will be a child again. I want to do all that I can to make it easy for those who will come to support me.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad, and everyone celebrating. Stay Strong. You’ve got this!

Michael 

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A note about Father’s Day: While many celebrate, this day can stir up grief, longing, or complicated feelings for those who have lost fathers, have strained relationships, or are navigating other personal struggles. Whatever you’re feeling is perfectly okay. Please remember that even in difficult moments, you’re never truly alone.

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